Scars. Three. I'll scare my future husband off when he realizes them ugly things when he's about to slip on that ring.
I've changed.
All the strength I've poured into not changing has changed me. I can't be who I was then.
You can't live in Mars if you don't learn to breathe their air. There's only that much oxygen you can bring with you.
I was so scared of changing that I didn't realize I restricted myself from moving on. I kept telling myself that NO THIS IS THE WAY. Cause it worked before last time. But I was blind, stupid, naive. I was reluctant and I paid the price. SOmetimes part of me wonders where I should limit my dreams to. Should I? I have so much I want to do. I want to go to Italy for the Gelatos. Serious. I want to go to America and see exactly how snobby they've always been described as with my own eyes. Or not. I want to be able to look at the world map and know exactly which country is which damnit. Okay that was just my lack of geography skills.
I have the mocks this week. All those past years we've been drilled to study. We complain, but without realizing it, we've gotten so used to it that it seems almost normal to keep drilling ourselves. That's the problem i'm facing now. No resources to study. And I feel so lost. I want those piles of books that I can keep referring to. It makes me feel like I've accomplished something. Sigh. I guess I'll know how well I've been doing only after this mocks.
I'm scared of my own body now. My fingers are swelling up considerably. Only my right hand though. It's red and pinkish and ugly. The fine wrinkles of skin cells we normally associate to dry skin or so have been so stretched out. And worse, it hurts. I can't write properly. Chillblaines, I was told. Apparently it doesn't go away. I feel so unbeautiful.
It was Father's Day yesterday. In New Zealand anyway. And the church service was one of the best I've ever attended. Pastor Campbell was hilarious. "Real men bake" he said. And the whole church erupted in laughter. Couldn't agree more. I was invited to a youth, and I'm actually looking forward to this one.
You know,
sometimes I wonder what would've happened if I did stay back in Malaysia. I miss everyone so unbearably much! I don't know why I didn't feel it coming. It should've hit me harder before I left. Things are much more valuable with the distance separating them from us. I miss being under my Daddy's protection. I miss having people fuss over me. Dear me, I think I was spoiled.
On a lighter note, I think I'm beginning to grasp things here. I feel myself being more grounded. As in, rooted to earth. Not the other sense. And I feel so oldddddd. Everyone around me is younger. I feel once again like an older sister. I would like to be the younger one for once. I want to know what it's like to have someone to look up to. To worship. To run to for help/guidance.
She called me a nail and hair virgin. Hey it's not my fault I'm not interested in these things. Once again, puberty didn't seem to hit me right. I feel like I'm transiting from one realm to another.
Hellogoodbye.
Driving illegally. We should do it again.
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